So I've been contemplating and reflecting a lot about loss and suffering and hardship the past couple of weeks and how we're really supposed to rejoice in it. The verse I carry so close in my heart and have for has long as I can remember has been James 1:2-4 that reads "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of any kind, for you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." I have been pulled and pushed so hard in this area the past few years, and it has again come up in the past couple of weeks, and so again, I have sat contemplating how to find joy in trial and in suffering-and for some reason the past couple days, I have been brought back to our miscarriage and the lessons I learned, and felt compelled to write about it. So, here I am, sharing.
Since Feb. 5, 2008 when we found out we lost the baby a lot of my feelings have changed, and a lot of things have not. I still think about the baby every day. I still often wonder if it would have been a boy or a girl, and I still wonder what life would be like now. Would we have three children instead of two? Would we have a girl to shower with pink and purple things? This photo is all we have to commemorate the 10 short week with had with baby Oeth in utero, but we will keep it and cherish it, for sure:
There are days I'm still sad. But more than that, I have such a peace about what happened and I am grateful, that God knew more than what my earthly eyes could see. I am grateful that later, He gave me the ability to see the big picture, and taught me things I never thought I'd learn through such a painful experience. And even more than that, I am SO grateful that I have a child in heaven that gets to play with the Almighty until I get there to meet him or her. Below is just a small compilation of some of the amazing things God showed me from this experience, and why I think he is re-showing them to me now-I learned to rejoice in loss once, and if I am obedient and find joy in trial, He provides and goes far beyond his promise to provide and grow us in ways we would never imagine.
1)When we had the miscarriage, we had no idea that 4 days later we would be getting orders to middle of nowhere Buechel, Germany. If the pregnancy would have gone on, we would have PCS'd 6 months pregnant. That being said, we would have had our accident 7 1/2 months pregnant. If this would have happened, there is a good chance both me and the baby could have both lost our lives (or one or the other). The risk would have been so much greater. Not only that, but sweet Joshua would have never been conceived. And I believe sweet Joshua is a vital piece of the Kingdom.
2) I love that God used the miscarriage 5-6 months later to grow Aaron's gifts and affirm that baby Joshua was protected and was going to continue growing. After the car accident, the doctor's told us over and over we were going to lose Joshua. Aaron and I were terrified and prayed continually for his safety and continued growth. One night, shortly after I arrived back from the hospital Aaron had a dream that there was an angel sitting in the rocking chair in our room rocking a tiny tiny baby (obviously an in utero size baby). Aaron asked if God was taking this one too. The angel replied "No. He's already taken this one. It just wanted to be close to it's Mother. That one is yours. Protect it." And Aaron was instantly at peace. From then on we knew that Joshua would be fine. And on Feb 17, 2099 100% healthy baby boy, 10 fingers 10 toes. Thank you, Jesus. God used that baby that He took to assure us that Joshua would be okay, and to grow and utilize a gift He wants Aaron to use. God uses ALL of His children. Even those He takes back before we think it is time.
3) God showed us in a way we have never seen what it means to mourn with those who mourn and truly live with those around. We knew we had incredible friends-but they surpassed anything we had ever imagined when this happened to us. Aaron was on TDY to Red Flag when all of this happened and I couldn't believe the way they took care of me. From bringing me all kinds of food, to coming to the house to pray with me, to Erin letting me sleep on her couch all day and use her toilet as a puke bowl while she took Jacob on as one of her own to Lacey hanging out all day and buying me Wing Stop for dinner because it was one of my favorites. Their hearts literally hurt for us. They didn't just take care of our basic needs, or watch Jacob for us. They took care of our hearts. They battled for us. They fought for our protection. They were incredible. They were the epitome of why God built us to live in relationship with one another and be in community.
4) It taught me that just because you have faith, doesn't mean you will be healed. I struggled with this one for a long time. I absolutely believe in the gifts, and absolutely believe in supernatural healing, and was devastated when I wasn't healed in this situation. I wanted that child SO badly. But my eyes weren't yet opened to the big picture. I realize now sometimes the answer is yes and sometimes the answer is no. We can have all the faith in the world, but sometimes we are meant to walk through things for a purpose. Just like certain people are healed for a purpose.
5) I am thankful that I am HIS child, and that my children are HIS children, because I know that my sweet baby is in heaven, playing with Jesus, and that I will get to meet him or her when I get there. And while I am sad I never got to meet him/her, I am grateful for the way things turned out, because I have precious Joshua.
And so, I leave you with this:
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." -Psalm 139: 14-16
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