1) God. I believe God causes things to happen. Good and bad. Yes, I said it. Bad things too. I believe God tests us. I've always believed growth is painful. Uncomfortable. Out of our box. In saying that, I also believe that in those particular tests there is always blessing at the other end when we are obedient and faithful through it. So, God is the first playing factor in the things that happen in life.
2) Ourselves. God gives us free will in our decisions. We have the ability to make choices every day and these choices affect and ripple out to so many other things it's incredible. So in each test we encounter there is always a level of our own choosing in the way things go. So in each thing that happens we have to always ask ourselves if the origin of the event was of our own making. So, I think the second factor for things in life are our own choices.
3) Evil. I think the third thing that affects life is Satan and his minions. In saying this though, I also want to make sure I put out there that I DO NOT believe that all bad things that happen are because of evil. Not every bad thing or every trial we encounter is because Satan is trying to attack us. Some of them, indeed are Satan testing us, but I also think extreme blessing and things we consider good things can be Satan making us vulnerable to his games. Remember, Satan is merely imitation. So if he can fool us into believing we are being blessed, or fool us into using our blessing for evil, he has won. It doesn't have to be a horrible event for it to be evil. All that being said, I believe evil is the third factor playing into life.
So, with those three things, I've been trying to sort out the last year of my life. Putting to play all my actions, all of the things I feel God has been doing and pick out where I feel Satan has used my vulnerability to bring me down. Man, did I open a can of worms. I'll be honest when I first started sorting it out my first automatic instinct was to go straight for Satan. Blame him for everything. I didn't want to ask God why he was testing me. Let's be honest, usually when I do that, I get an answer, and when I get an answer it is pointing out a human flaw, something I need to work on in myself. Basically it kicks my butt, and I don't like that.
Every time I pointed my finger at Satan and said "well he was attacking me here and here and here", the answer was never satisfying. Then I started blaming things on myself. "Well if I wouldn't have done this, or this, or this". Blaming things on myself still seemed easier then holding myself accountable to Christ for some reason, because if it was things I SHOULD have done, I could still come to a realization they were things I couldn't change now so I'd just have to deal. If it was something I needed to become accountable to Christ to, ultimately it was something I would have to change and grow through and until the growth took place, the blessing wouldn't come, and that would mean obedience was necessary. So, it seemed easier to blame myself. But still, no satisfaction.
It wasn't until after I brought my long time friend and accountability sister, Charvel to Germany that I got a piece of my answer. She stayed a week and then went home. Shortly after she went home I had been talking about how I was struggling because I wasn't healing nearly as fast as I thought I should be and I was in so much pain and it was really getting to me and then I got an email from her. And she said something that seemed so simple, but to me, was so profound. She said "We can't get tomorrow's strength today, but we know God will give us as much as we need. As I watched you this past week, I saw that you were so patient with your kids and you relied on His grace to get you through each day even when it was hard. Now you need to learn to use that grace and be patient with yourself....."
OUCH.
How long and how many things has God put me through trying to teach me that? Seriously? I have NEVER had patience with myself! I have this freak standard for myself that no one could live up to and that no one should HAVE to live up to. I'm too independent. I have a husband who WANTS to take care of me. Who WANTS me to be patient with myself. I NEED to be patient with myself so I can heal for my kids. I don't know how I could be so blind. Anyway, I'm sure there is SO much more to it, but I think this is a HUGE piece of it. I'm not sure why it took a year to see it, but I'm so thankful that a simple, encouraging e-mail from a friend was such a huge kick in the butt.
I'm not saying this is the only piece of this trial, an there are definitely pieces that I've been vulnerable and that Satan has taken advantage of me and there are definitely pieces where my free-will has caused me to be blinded to what Christ was trying to show me, drawing it out, making the growth process longer. All three parts play together. But this piece, this piece was a huge light bulb. Something I needed. A huge encouragement. So here I am, an admittedly overly-independent, a refuse-to-ask-for-help-or-admit-I'm-struggling-woman, admitting I'm struggling, accepting help and pledging to be patient with myself. I know it won't be easy. But patience isn't meant to be for others only. It's a fruit of the spirit for all parts of life, including for myself.
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