Today's Blessings...

Today is one of those days that I feel annoyed. I'm struggling, and it's a day I need to count my blessings to keep my head above the water. I hope some of you know what I'm talking about. So, here are the blessings I've found in today:

*Joshua's laughter and giggles

*After nap hugs from my boys. They're the best.

*A message on my facebook wall from Elizabeth telling me she was thinking of me and she missed me. I needed that.

*A morning with my husband. Even though he has to work until midnight. It was night to have him around until almost ten.

*Hearing about all the things Jacob did at school.

*Talking to my mom.

*JoAnn offering to watch the boys on Monday without me even asking. What a huge blessing! Thanks, JoAnn!!

*A quiet hour to relax and have a bath.

*A beautiful crisp fall day where I got to have my back door open all day long. Amazing.

*Pink Lemonade

*Getting to order a few new shirts!! Can't wait until they come in!

*Getting to have some quiet alone time in the house tonight after the guys go to bed, even though I'm sad that Aaron has to work so late.

*Grilled cheese and tomato soup dinner.

Yes, blessings everywhere. Take a deep breath, it will be a good night!

The Things I Took For Granted....

So I've noticed the last couple weeks that we are rarely home. And when we are we're busy. Between the photography business, the obnoxious amount of medical appointments, Jacob going to German kindergarten, exercises at Aaron's work, my increased involvement in the spouse's group and a cache of other things, we rarely have time for anything anymore. Not that that is necessarily a bad thing. We had previously been hurting for involvement. For interaction with people. That being said, it is really making me realize that I really took for granted having the opportunity to be still. Mostly because I didn't see it as opportunity, but rather as stagnation. I guess hindsight is 20/20. In all this, I've realized a number of other things I have taken for granted, and thought it might be an interesting thing to blog about, so here goes, a list, in no particular order, of things that I have in my life, unknowingly taken for granted that have had effects, some profound on how my life is now:

1) I took the last year and a half for granted.

I had absolutely nothing to do the last year (with the exception of doctor's appointments). I couldn't drive. I had the opportunity to sit at home, and be with the boys. To be still, and take in life, and just rest. Something, I don't think in my entire adult life I remember having the opportunity to do. And instead of taking it as blessing and seeing it as opportunity I automatically assumed I was stagnating and spent the entire time questioning and wondering where my life was going and was getting frustrated that God had brought me to this place where He had nothing for me. On the contrary, I think He had a great deal for me, that I passed up, because instead of focusing on what blessing might be entangled with the mess that was going on I became self absorbed in stagnation, and forgot that blessing does come in hardship. I took for granted what could have been the most restful year and a half in my life. A restful year and a half I may never get again. That's not to say I'm not totally enjoying what I have now. The photography is awesome. The people I'm meeting and getting to know are amazing. Jacob going to school is great. But there are days, that I long for the quiet and the opportunity to sit and have a week where I do NOTHING (*gasp* Kayla Oeth wants to do NOTHING!). I definitely have a new outlook on rest and a whole new perspective on that being still thing.

2. My naivety.

There was a time in my life that I was kind of just naive to the world. I believed that everyone was good. I trusted everyone. Whether they hurt me and took advantage of me a million times or not. I was quick to forgive, and never easily angered, if angered at all. I was about as far from as a realist as you could get, and because of this, I had the utmost compassion and empathy for every person I met. My heart literally broke a million times a day because I took on each person's burdens I met. But, I didn't know any different, so to me, it was a blessing, because I could help people. It wasn't until I realized what it was and I started to feel like it was a burden that I started taking it for granted. And there were days I didn't want it anymore. And the more I grew up, the more I lost it, because I thought it was a burden. And now I'm more of a realist than I could have ever imagined being, and I don't want to be one. I want to be naive and trusting again. I want to love that unconditional love again and easily forgive and not be easy to anger and not know the feeling of bitterness. I want that uncontrollable compassion and empathy again, because now looking back, I see it is not the burden, but instead, it is God's heart for His people. It is God giving me His heart. That is the way His heart breaks for His people. I desire to have that back. But when I've seen evil, how do you get the innocence back? It's a battle I fight every day, and I'm sad now I ever saw it as a burden and long for the days I knew not what it was but accepted it and unconditionally loved what I had, because it meant I could more thoroughly love the people my heart broke for.

3. Jacob's Newborn Time

9 days after Jacob was born I went back to school full time and was working 25-30 hours a week. I loved my job, the kids I worked with, and loved school. I still desire to finish. I don't think there's anything wrong with a mother who also desires to have a career (also something I've wrestled with), but now having had these last 8 months as a stay at home mom with Joshua, I am sad and regret not having that time with Jacob. I do know that that was another place and time, and that Jacob was a different kind of baby. He was difficult. Amazing, a blessing, but difficult. Aaron was deployed for 6 months during his infancy. I needed time for me as well. We had amazing people who were like family to help with Jacob. It takes a village, right? And because I know these things, it makes it a little easier, but I do feel like some of the things I did then were more because I felt like they were the expectations of others more so then I felt I needed to do them right then, and that makes me disappointed in myself. I see all the amazingness in what I've gotten out of spending so much time with Joshua, and I look at Cubby turning into such a big boy, and it breaks my heart that I missed a lot of that with him. But it is what it is, and I realize I took his newborn time for granted. I see it now, and won't do it with any of my other children.

4. My Friends

I take my friends for granted every day. I'm such a terrible long distance friend. And then I get hurt when I feel like I don't know anything about them. Then why don't I do something about it? Because I let life get in the way. That should be no excuse. I take them for granted and that's all there is to it. That's not to say the road doesn't go both ways, and that's not to say that doesn't suck, but I get it. And I take them for granted. And I need to do better. Or I have no room to be sad and complain about it. Friends are something that are not to be taken for granted. These are people who are like family, who have been there through some of the happiest and hardest parts of life, who are the closest thing next to blood to our kids. And even if we're far away now, we're going to be close again one day, and we need to fix things now, so it's good when we're close again. If I recognize that I take friends for granted, and don't do something about, what good does that do? We were built for fellowship, for accountability and to function as a body, and if I let life get in the way and become a lone ranger because of it, what good am I to the Kingdom?

Alright, well this is a lot more lengthy than I imagined, and while there are many other things I have taken for granted, we'll leave it at this for now so people will actually read it!! Hope everyone is having a great Tuesday!!

Love you all!

The Strong Willed Child...

So I've been mulling a lot over what it really takes to raise a true strong willed child, and if I have what it takes, and if I didn't have what it takes, why God would have given me a strong willed child. It's been an interesting battle with my myself, and a battle that I've lost more days than I've won. I've read books, I've talked to people (mostly people who had no idea what I was going through and just wanted to tell me what I was doing wrong when all I wanted them to do was listen), I've prayed some, and I've wrestled with myself a lot. Still I haven't found a whole lot of answers. And I've come to the conclusion that I don't think there are a whole lot of answers. I think there is patience. I think there is endurance. I think there is gentleness. And I think there is unconditional love. What else can there be?

I don't think I'll ever understand why Jacob has the need for the power struggles. I truly believe he knows what the outcome of each will be, but for some reason he still feels the need to test, to be sure that each time I will continue to fight and prove that I still have it in me and that I still love him enough and have enough respect for myself as his parent and his mother to win the battle. He is fiery. He is passionate. He is hard headed. He is strong willed. A TRUE strong willed child. It is difficult, but there is still something truly amazing and beautiful about it.

Nothing bothers me more than people who try to empathize and say "oh I know my child is stubborn too, they do this and this and that". I just want to be like, "Let me send you my kid for two days and see if you're still alive!" Not to undermine any parent's difficulty they have with their kid, it's all relative, but a true strong willed child is different (Barbara, you know what I'm talking about!). There are days that you want to go in your bedroom and shut yourself off to the world and just cry. But you can't. You can't show a single sign of weakness or your child will take complete advantage of it and take it for everything it is worth. If you ever give them a single inch they will take 5 miles. I've had people ask me why we are so tough on Jacob, and surely people, including our own families judge us about how we discipline Cubby, but if we don't set strict rules, he goes out of control. People who don't have a child like him or don't live with him don't get it. And it drives me crazy when people judge or question because they don't have a 3 year old like him. It's frustrating.

There are days I feel like I'm going crazy. I wonder why God thought I (we) was equipped to handle such a strong willed child. Then there are days when he's so well behaved and so amazing, and I see the way his fiery passion can be channeled and the way God wants to use the gifts he gave Cubby, and everything changes. God wouldn't have given us a kid like Cubby if he wouldn't have equipped us in some way for it. And we wouldn't have prayed for a dangerous wild kid and gotten it if God didn't desire for us to have it. His name is Jacob Israel for a reason.

I have to remember to pray when it is difficult. And to have patience. And to endure. And to love. And to have a mother's gentle heart and touch. And trust that God has equipped me to raise my strong willed child to have a strong willed heart for HIS kingdom. Even if it is one of the hardest things I have ever done....

Some Things I've Learned...

So, here are some things I've learned, both about myself and about life and others in the couple month hiatus I had from blogging. Some are simple things. Some are hard things. Some are funny things. And some are just things, in no particular order.

1. I am a horrible long distance friend.

2. No matter how much I believe I am not fit to be a stay at home mom, and regardless how much I suck at being the typical "house wife", I am truly enjoying the stay-at-home-mom-dom for the time being, although some days I feel like I am going to go crazy.

3. I truly believe I have the greatest husband in the world.

4. I have learned that while penny pinching can be a good thing, and fear of debt isn't a bad thing, sometimes letting loose a little and splurging to have a great day with the most amazing three boys on the planet isn't bad. And is totally worth it.

5. I have learned that no matter how much it hurts, sometimes people care about other friendships more than ours and ours will never be enough of a priority to really make it count because we live another continent away, so all we can do is just keep loving the way we love, giving the way we give and offering what we have to offer.

6. I have come to think that endurance is the single strongest test and builder of character.

7. Photography has re-instilled my absolute love and passion for people and I think each person has something unique and wonderful to offer the world.

8. While I am so sad to see Jacob growing so fast, I absolutely love big boy Jacob. Even though he makes me SO mad with his stubborn strong willed personality some days, he in some way, shape or form makes me proud EVERY day. Whether it be writing a new letter, speaking Deutsch, building an outrageously cool and intense train track, or being so sweet it melts my heart, it is so cool to watch him grow. I love it.

9. I love that my boys are so different, yet love each other so much, and are such good friends. Both warriors, yet with such different hearts and in such polar opposite ways. Such huge pieces of the Kingdom. One gentle, and one fiery. Two parts of one body. Incredible.

10. Aaron could not be a better daddy, and I'm so glad I have gotten to grow up with him and experience the worst of times and the best of times with him to see how incredible he has turned out, because I think it's made me appreciate him all the more.

11. I have the best parents in the world. Hands down.

12. I don't think I appreciate God's beauty enough, and I'm sad about that. I need to make an effort to do it more.

13. I am insecure. I don't like to be vulnerable, but I am. But, there are things about myself that I like. And every day, there are more things about myself that I find that I like, and I like that. I want to be confident.

14. I like that my dog is neurotic. She fits into our family perfectly.

15. I think that I reminisce too much. Things were what they were and they are what they are and I need to accept that and live in the here.

16. I'm really starting to enjoy some of the friends I'm making here, and hope they can turn into some lasting friendships. I guess we'll see!

17. I miss worship and fellowship, but need to stop comparing and find something here. Even if it is Driscoll or McQueen on the computer screen once a week. And discussion on skype once a week. And even more so, I need accountability.

18. I love my boys more than life itself, but I absolutely covet that all my friends are having/have had baby girls! What the heck?!

19. I miss Thursday coffee nights with Charvel and Elizabeth more than anything else I miss.

20. I think questioning is one of the biggest parts of faith, and I admit I do it often.

21. My boys are my sunshine, and life is good!! :)

Love you all! I really am going to try and start blogging more, but for now, it's time to clean the kitchen!!