The Things I Took For Granted....

So I've noticed the last couple weeks that we are rarely home. And when we are we're busy. Between the photography business, the obnoxious amount of medical appointments, Jacob going to German kindergarten, exercises at Aaron's work, my increased involvement in the spouse's group and a cache of other things, we rarely have time for anything anymore. Not that that is necessarily a bad thing. We had previously been hurting for involvement. For interaction with people. That being said, it is really making me realize that I really took for granted having the opportunity to be still. Mostly because I didn't see it as opportunity, but rather as stagnation. I guess hindsight is 20/20. In all this, I've realized a number of other things I have taken for granted, and thought it might be an interesting thing to blog about, so here goes, a list, in no particular order, of things that I have in my life, unknowingly taken for granted that have had effects, some profound on how my life is now:

1) I took the last year and a half for granted.

I had absolutely nothing to do the last year (with the exception of doctor's appointments). I couldn't drive. I had the opportunity to sit at home, and be with the boys. To be still, and take in life, and just rest. Something, I don't think in my entire adult life I remember having the opportunity to do. And instead of taking it as blessing and seeing it as opportunity I automatically assumed I was stagnating and spent the entire time questioning and wondering where my life was going and was getting frustrated that God had brought me to this place where He had nothing for me. On the contrary, I think He had a great deal for me, that I passed up, because instead of focusing on what blessing might be entangled with the mess that was going on I became self absorbed in stagnation, and forgot that blessing does come in hardship. I took for granted what could have been the most restful year and a half in my life. A restful year and a half I may never get again. That's not to say I'm not totally enjoying what I have now. The photography is awesome. The people I'm meeting and getting to know are amazing. Jacob going to school is great. But there are days, that I long for the quiet and the opportunity to sit and have a week where I do NOTHING (*gasp* Kayla Oeth wants to do NOTHING!). I definitely have a new outlook on rest and a whole new perspective on that being still thing.

2. My naivety.

There was a time in my life that I was kind of just naive to the world. I believed that everyone was good. I trusted everyone. Whether they hurt me and took advantage of me a million times or not. I was quick to forgive, and never easily angered, if angered at all. I was about as far from as a realist as you could get, and because of this, I had the utmost compassion and empathy for every person I met. My heart literally broke a million times a day because I took on each person's burdens I met. But, I didn't know any different, so to me, it was a blessing, because I could help people. It wasn't until I realized what it was and I started to feel like it was a burden that I started taking it for granted. And there were days I didn't want it anymore. And the more I grew up, the more I lost it, because I thought it was a burden. And now I'm more of a realist than I could have ever imagined being, and I don't want to be one. I want to be naive and trusting again. I want to love that unconditional love again and easily forgive and not be easy to anger and not know the feeling of bitterness. I want that uncontrollable compassion and empathy again, because now looking back, I see it is not the burden, but instead, it is God's heart for His people. It is God giving me His heart. That is the way His heart breaks for His people. I desire to have that back. But when I've seen evil, how do you get the innocence back? It's a battle I fight every day, and I'm sad now I ever saw it as a burden and long for the days I knew not what it was but accepted it and unconditionally loved what I had, because it meant I could more thoroughly love the people my heart broke for.

3. Jacob's Newborn Time

9 days after Jacob was born I went back to school full time and was working 25-30 hours a week. I loved my job, the kids I worked with, and loved school. I still desire to finish. I don't think there's anything wrong with a mother who also desires to have a career (also something I've wrestled with), but now having had these last 8 months as a stay at home mom with Joshua, I am sad and regret not having that time with Jacob. I do know that that was another place and time, and that Jacob was a different kind of baby. He was difficult. Amazing, a blessing, but difficult. Aaron was deployed for 6 months during his infancy. I needed time for me as well. We had amazing people who were like family to help with Jacob. It takes a village, right? And because I know these things, it makes it a little easier, but I do feel like some of the things I did then were more because I felt like they were the expectations of others more so then I felt I needed to do them right then, and that makes me disappointed in myself. I see all the amazingness in what I've gotten out of spending so much time with Joshua, and I look at Cubby turning into such a big boy, and it breaks my heart that I missed a lot of that with him. But it is what it is, and I realize I took his newborn time for granted. I see it now, and won't do it with any of my other children.

4. My Friends

I take my friends for granted every day. I'm such a terrible long distance friend. And then I get hurt when I feel like I don't know anything about them. Then why don't I do something about it? Because I let life get in the way. That should be no excuse. I take them for granted and that's all there is to it. That's not to say the road doesn't go both ways, and that's not to say that doesn't suck, but I get it. And I take them for granted. And I need to do better. Or I have no room to be sad and complain about it. Friends are something that are not to be taken for granted. These are people who are like family, who have been there through some of the happiest and hardest parts of life, who are the closest thing next to blood to our kids. And even if we're far away now, we're going to be close again one day, and we need to fix things now, so it's good when we're close again. If I recognize that I take friends for granted, and don't do something about, what good does that do? We were built for fellowship, for accountability and to function as a body, and if I let life get in the way and become a lone ranger because of it, what good am I to the Kingdom?

Alright, well this is a lot more lengthy than I imagined, and while there are many other things I have taken for granted, we'll leave it at this for now so people will actually read it!! Hope everyone is having a great Tuesday!!

Love you all!