Finding Thankfulness

This past week was kind of a rough one. And it yielded something I didn't quite expect. There were a lot of things this week. There were:

Death

Big pills to swallow

{Metaphorically and Literally}

Hard News

A Dose of Reality

New Realizations, Difficult Ones

{That Meant Things For Me That I Didn't Like}

Sadness

But, in all of that, I found myself feeling something I really didn't expect. Thankfulness. It was kind of like a breath of fresh air. I found myself seeing things differently. Not taking so many things for granted. I am thankful for SO many things.

Life.

A new nephew.

A family day.

Sunshine. And lots of it.

A camera. To capture the little moments we seem to so quickly forget.

My children. They are truly the lights of my life.

My husband. I am truly humbled he chose me for his bride.

Late night chats with my best friend 5,000 miles away.

Early morning skype dates from the other side of the world.

Friends that time don't change.

The ability to cry.

Hugs.

My dog.

Painted nails.

Blue Skies.

Truth.

Giggles.

Germany.

Opportunity.

The simple kindnesses of others, in which they give with no expectation of receiving.

The mere fact that our Creator gave me the ability to find THANKFULNESS in a trying time. What a gift. One in which I am abundantly grateful for. One in which I truly hope I do not easily forget. So today, I am thankful

A Birthday Wish List

So, it's not often I ask for anything for my birthday. Or really want anything for my birthday. My birthdays tend to just go to crap. Like, Aaron is deployed, or a the week before a landrover crushes us and I break several bones in my body and am in a wheelchair. You know, something always comes up. So, my birthday has kind of become no big thing. But, this year for some reason, upon turning a quarter of a century old, I am excited about my birthday. I've always made it a point to make birthdays a huge deal for those around me. Growing up in high school I always blew up balloons and got huge bags of candy and left them in the office as surprises for my friends. I always make it a point to do extra special things throughout the day for Aaron and the boys on the day of their birth. I LIKE birthdays, just don't ever find anything special about my own, but this year, for some reason, I desire for it to be special. I even made a list of some things I wanted. Yup. I did it. Now, some of this crap is expensive. I know that. I don't expect to get all of it. Or any of it for that matter. But it was fun to be a little indulgent for once. So without further ado, here is my list. My little "want" list for turning a century of a year old in a month or two:

Isn't it cute? Yup, I know.

A trip for me and JoJo to Cali. For me to spend a week with Lisha and meet sweet Ava and JoJo to meet Lisha. I already get this.

So I can walk and lose poundage. Except I want a little different version of this stroller. The one with the 360 degree front wheel.

Kindle baby.

Love this lens. It's the 18-125mm f 3.5-5.6

Cute, no? With all the rain here I need these!

New mom mobile? Yes, please.

Dehydrated fruit snacks. Delicious, and helps lose poundage so I don't eat so much crap.

So, there's a little insight into me. And my wish list. My quarter century crisis desires :) Happy Sunday!

The Blessing of Mommy-Hood

Last night when we were going to bed, Aaron asked me what I loved most about being a Mom. I think my response to him was something smart mouthed like "Anything that doesn't involve dirty diapers, whining or kids getting busted is my favorite thing.", but in all reality there are SO many things that make being a Mom the best thing in the world. It's no secret that I have rough days with the most strong willed child on the planet, and that I've struggled a lot with my view of what Mommy-hood should look like, in terms of "should I feel guilty if I work?", "Am I any less of a woman because while I love staying home with my boys, I still feel like I have a separate mission field besides that?" etc. etc, BUT I think that has made me look harder at what I absolutely LOVE about being a mom, so here are just a few of my favorite things about the awesome little boys I've been blessed with.

*Dance Parties
*Baby giggles
*Bug Catching with Cubby
*Whispering "I love you" in my ear like it's a big secret.
*Watching them grow into little people.
*Seeing how EXCITED they get to be praised and shown love.
*Watching their wheels turn when they are figuring out something new.
*The insight and wisdom that can only come from a child. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's silly, and sometimes it just what you needed to hear. It's incredible really.
*Being able to take them on adventures and share with them special things that my parents shared with me when I was a kid.
*Watching them grow in the spirit, and being in awe about how they understand things so much easier, like it comes simply to them. True testaments to faith like a child.
*Feeling the immense honor and privilege it is to be their Mom. That God chose Aaron and I to raise them. To bring them up in his love.
*Hearing all the things Jacob did at school and how excited he is by them.
*Story time.
*Movie, popcorn and candy nights with lots of snuggling.
*Cuddles after nap time.
* The trust they so clearly give me.
*Family Hugs.
*Watching them interact with daddy, especially their desire to play and learn guitar with him.
*Knowing that they accept unconditional love, and give it back, with no expectations, other than desiring to be loved and cared for.

And these are just to name a few. My little soldiers make life so much brighter, and it is a blessing to be called Mommy.


Ready for a walk in the bike trailer.

JoJo cracking up.

Cubby and a wishing weed.

Rejoicing in Loss

So I've been contemplating and reflecting a lot about loss and suffering and hardship the past couple of weeks and how we're really supposed to rejoice in it. The verse I carry so close in my heart and have for has long as I can remember has been James 1:2-4 that reads "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of any kind, for you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." I have been pulled and pushed so hard in this area the past few years, and it has again come up in the past couple of weeks, and so again, I have sat contemplating how to find joy in trial and in suffering-and for some reason the past couple days, I have been brought back to our miscarriage and the lessons I learned, and felt compelled to write about it. So, here I am, sharing.

Since Feb. 5, 2008 when we found out we lost the baby a lot of my feelings have changed, and a lot of things have not. I still think about the baby every day. I still often wonder if it would have been a boy or a girl, and I still wonder what life would be like now. Would we have three children instead of two? Would we have a girl to shower with pink and purple things? This photo is all we have to commemorate the 10 short week with had with baby Oeth in utero, but we will keep it and cherish it, for sure:

There are days I'm still sad. But more than that, I have such a peace about what happened and I am grateful, that God knew more than what my earthly eyes could see. I am grateful that later, He gave me the ability to see the big picture, and taught me things I never thought I'd learn through such a painful experience. And even more than that, I am SO grateful that I have a child in heaven that gets to play with the Almighty until I get there to meet him or her. Below is just a small compilation of some of the amazing things God showed me from this experience, and why I think he is re-showing them to me now-I learned to rejoice in loss once, and if I am obedient and find joy in trial, He provides and goes far beyond his promise to provide and grow us in ways we would never imagine.

1)When we had the miscarriage, we had no idea that 4 days later we would be getting orders to middle of nowhere Buechel, Germany. If the pregnancy would have gone on, we would have PCS'd 6 months pregnant. That being said, we would have had our accident 7 1/2 months pregnant. If this would have happened, there is a good chance both me and the baby could have both lost our lives (or one or the other). The risk would have been so much greater. Not only that, but sweet Joshua would have never been conceived. And I believe sweet Joshua is a vital piece of the Kingdom.

2) I love that God used the miscarriage 5-6 months later to grow Aaron's gifts and affirm that baby Joshua was protected and was going to continue growing. After the car accident, the doctor's told us over and over we were going to lose Joshua. Aaron and I were terrified and prayed continually for his safety and continued growth. One night, shortly after I arrived back from the hospital Aaron had a dream that there was an angel sitting in the rocking chair in our room rocking a tiny tiny baby (obviously an in utero size baby). Aaron asked if God was taking this one too. The angel replied "No. He's already taken this one. It just wanted to be close to it's Mother. That one is yours. Protect it." And Aaron was instantly at peace. From then on we knew that Joshua would be fine. And on Feb 17, 2099 100% healthy baby boy, 10 fingers 10 toes. Thank you, Jesus. God used that baby that He took to assure us that Joshua would be okay, and to grow and utilize a gift He wants Aaron to use. God uses ALL of His children. Even those He takes back before we think it is time.

3) God showed us in a way we have never seen what it means to mourn with those who mourn and truly live with those around. We knew we had incredible friends-but they surpassed anything we had ever imagined when this happened to us. Aaron was on TDY to Red Flag when all of this happened and I couldn't believe the way they took care of me. From bringing me all kinds of food, to coming to the house to pray with me, to Erin letting me sleep on her couch all day and use her toilet as a puke bowl while she took Jacob on as one of her own to Lacey hanging out all day and buying me Wing Stop for dinner because it was one of my favorites. Their hearts literally hurt for us. They didn't just take care of our basic needs, or watch Jacob for us. They took care of our hearts. They battled for us. They fought for our protection. They were incredible. They were the epitome of why God built us to live in relationship with one another and be in community.

4) It taught me that just because you have faith, doesn't mean you will be healed. I struggled with this one for a long time. I absolutely believe in the gifts, and absolutely believe in supernatural healing, and was devastated when I wasn't healed in this situation. I wanted that child SO badly. But my eyes weren't yet opened to the big picture. I realize now sometimes the answer is yes and sometimes the answer is no. We can have all the faith in the world, but sometimes we are meant to walk through things for a purpose. Just like certain people are healed for a purpose.

5) I am thankful that I am HIS child, and that my children are HIS children, because I know that my sweet baby is in heaven, playing with Jesus, and that I will get to meet him or her when I get there. And while I am sad I never got to meet him/her, I am grateful for the way things turned out, because I have precious Joshua.

And so, I leave you with this:

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." -Psalm 139: 14-16

Joshua's 1st Birthday Celebration in Photos

We didn't do anything big for JoJo's birthday. He doesn't like a lot of commotion, and we really just wanted to do something with us, so it was spaghetti and meatballs for dinners, some presents and a little cake made by Mommy! So here's Joshua's birthday fun in photos! Enjoy!

On Jo Jo's actual birthday. Had to get a picture of my sweet 1 year old!

Sweet features. A perfect ear. And a precious curl.

Baby blues. A button nose.

Perfect little feet. Even though they are exceptionally large. He gets that from Mommy!

Perfect little one year old hand.

Eating Dinner! Big boy at the table-Pushed up in his chair, no tray!

Waiting to open presents! He smiled and said cheese! So cute!

Intrigued!

PUT THE CAMERA DOWN, MOM!

His very own computer!

Playing with his new tractor truck. It's awesome.

Another new toy. He loves to stack things!

Gears, gears, gears! The boy loves gears!

Playing gears with daddy.

Ready to taste his cake!

First touches and tastes. I know, the cake is a little sad, but I have obviously not perfected writing on cakes. You can at least tell the red yellow and green colors are balloons! Haha!

EEEEE. Funny faces for Grandma.

Jacob shoving cupcakes in his mouth. Hilarious.

MMMM.

He clearly thoroughly enjoyed his cake! Check out that curl. Love it.

A special birthday treat! Grandma got to join us from across the world on skype to watch JoJo indulge in his birthday cake! Thanks for coming, Grandma!

He wanted Mommy's camera. No dice, big man.

You can't tell me that's not mischief written all over that face...

Trying to pick the chocolate out of his nose. Hate to break it to you, buddy, but that's not going to work!

Looks like it's bath time! I love those chocolatey fingers!

Bath time=fun time!

"How old are you JoJo", to which his reply is shown above!

He was cracking up! Little water dog!

Splish Splash I was taking a bath!

Snuggly time with Daddy waiting for jammies!

It was a good birthday. Can't believe you're one little man. You're growing oh so fast. Slow down a little, if nothing more than for this Mommy's heart. I love you.

Joshua Michael: Age 1

I can't believe a year ago today we were welcoming this sweet baby boy into the world. Born Feb 17, 2009, 9:36 pm, 7lb 7oz and 20 1/2 inches long, he was all heart. He was our sweet baby, protected by Jesus until the day he graced us with his presence. Joshua has a loving and fragile heart, and a gentle spirit. He has kept us on our toes since the day we found out we were pregnant with him.

Shortly after moving to Germany and a tough beginning of 2008 with the loss of a previous baby, we were ready to try for another. Low and behold, a month after trying we were blessed with a positive on the pregnancy stick, and so began our journey. Our first few appointments were rough, as Joshua was not growing according to schedule and was much too small for his gestational age. they kept telling us to prepare to lose him also, as I had a large hematoma on my uterus that didn't appear to be getting any smaller and that was pretty much suffocating his gestational sac. We prayed and prayed for little Joshua and went back to the OB to check my hormone levels 1-2 times a week. Then when I was 8 weeks pregnant (Joshua was still only measuring 3-4 weeks at this time, and my levels were just evening out) we were in an awful car accident. I had 5 broken bones in my foot and a broken wrist, and the hematoma in my uterus grow. The doctors at the hospital here in Germany told us they were playing the waiting game for us to lose the baby so they could operate. We were so worried, but prayed and prayed. After getting out of the hospital I was seeing the OB 2x a week, and each time he was shocked to see that sweet Joshua was beginning to grow. They were continually telling us all of the complications he could have at birth as a result of the accident, but we continued to pray (as well as our amazing prayer warrior friends!), and he continued to grow more and more perfectly. During labor Joshua's heart kept dropping into the 60's and they were worried the labor was going to be too hard on him and we were going to have to do an emergent C-section, but sweet baby boy fought on and was able to be delivered naturally.

Since he was born he has had a tight hold on this Mommy's heart. He is like a breath of fresh air. A sweet kind heart that loves to snuggle and sleep and be next to Mommy and Daddy and brother. He loves to laugh and go with the flow. He has Mommy's demeanor but Daddy's ability to read those around him. he is strong, yet gentle in spirit-and a sensitive heart. He is his Mommy's child, and while he is strong, there is a fragile-ness about him. I think he will have the ability to be broken hearted for people. I think he'll be able to see people simply-the way Jesus sees them, and be able to love them with an unconditional love. He is an empathizer and even at this young age is full of compassion. He is a beautiful soul.

He loves to eat, can't keep his hands off the guitar, loves to dance and listen to music, is the most ticklest child I've ever met, and finds pleasure in the simplest, silliest things. He LOVES to have his shoes and socks taken off and laughs hysterically. He loves to be praised when he does new things, and he is quick to learn. He is heartbroken if you return home without acknowledging him, and gives the warmest welcome home hugs and kisses in the world. He demands attention, but only to affirm that he is loved.

He is fragile, a gentle and humble heart. Protected and loved, he is going to be an amazing tool for the Kingdom. He is my littlest sunshine-growing much to fast for this Mommy's heart. I love you, sweetest Jo Bean. Thanks for bringing sunshine, happiness and lots of giggles to my life. You bless me every day, and I am so happy that Jesus protected you-for I know he has great plans for you. I love you, wee man.

Our first photo of sweet Joshua.

3-D image taken at 36 weeks.

Joshua Michael Oeth 2-17-09 9:36pm 7lb 7oz. 20 1/2in. Pure perfection.

First family photo!

My boys. Joshua about 1 week old.

Tired baby. A couple weeks here.

Crashed.

Precious. No other words.

Back with Daddy in Germany! Eating Schnitzel in Zell!

With Mommy on the tire swing at the park. 2 1/2 months-ish.

Playing! About 3 months!

Hanging out with brother!

Silly boys! About 3 1/2 months!

First food! 4 months!

So happy!

Hanging out on the couch together. Clearly Joshua thinks he is number 1.

Sweet baby.

Getting so big. Almost 5 months. Camping in the backyard.

6 month photo shoot. Sweet feet.

6 month photo shoot.

In Brussels with mommy for her birthday in the Grand Place.

Getting ready to swim at the hotel in Brussels! This is when we learned he was a water dog!

Crashed out.

Enjoying his toes at the Cologne Chocolate Museum!

A little over 6 months old at Edelweiss in the Bavarian Alps.

Before a hike with Mommy and the boys. Bundled up for the rain!

Loving the bouncer! This one didn't get flipped! Whoops!

Edelweiss. So handsome.

Sitting in the chair all by himself! Bavarian Alps behind him! Lucky kid!

Going to the top of the tallest Bavarian Alp in a cable car. He looks a little scared, but he was excited when we got to the top!

Apparently he's ready to feed himself! About 7 months!

Daddy love. Almost 8 months here, I think!

Getting SO BIG! In the valley at the castle in Manderscheid.

Fall photo session for the family. Go Chiefs!

Uh Oh! This is when JoJo got into the green marker! About 9 1/2 months old! Silly boy!

First taste of apfelsaft at the apple festival in Ulmen! Yum Yum!

Halloween 09'! Our little rocker!

Thanksgiving! He was just having to much fun to sit still!

Thanksgiving session! About 9 months-a little older!

From his 1 year. It's a little early in the line-up, but oh well!

Enjoying the snow from the sled-because he doesn't like to sit in it!

Snotty nosed baby. So precious.

First Christmas 2009! Rockin' Stocking!

His first snow experience! Love my baby blues!

Playing with Grandma when she came to visit-11 months!

He has 5 teeth here! About 11 1/2 months old!

Meeting his "Uncles" and his namesake-Josh, JoJo and Mike. Days shy of a year here.

From his mini 1 year session-OH NO Mommy!

From his mini 1 year session! Adorable!

I love you Joshua. Happy 1st birthday, miracle baby!